


Feel (Talk)

by Anonysauce



Series: Close [3]
Category: Vinesauce (Video Blogging RPF)
Genre: Emotional Baggage, M/M, Relationship Discussions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:05:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22252399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anonysauce/pseuds/Anonysauce
Summary: “We’re both a mess, I know it, what with the anxiety and the depression and the, the God knows what else between us, but I really, beyond anything in my life, want this to work out. And I feel like if we can start with just being honest with each other, maybe I can finally stop worrying every other hour that I’m going to fuck this up irreparably and… lose you, because of my own stupidity.”
Relationships: Joel Varg Johansson/Vinny
Series: Close [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1548799
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Feel (Talk)

**Author's Note:**

> This kind of came out of nowhere. I was intending for this to be the preamble to the final part of the Close trilogy, then suddenly I had written almost 5k of relationship discussion that felt a bit strange to be tacked on to a different idea. It's a much-needed bridge between the second and eventually third part, but stands much better on its own.
> 
> Also I will warn, for anyone who has a sensitivity to this, there is a part of the discussion with somewhat overt heteronormativity. Please be advised.

“So, what did you wanna talk about?”

Vinny looked up from adjusting the tuning tab on his high E string to Mike setting his drumsticks aside, leaning forward on the kit, and looking intently at him. In the other room, it was clear that Joe wasn’t paying attention as he focused on mixing one of their latest completed tracks, and Joel had gone down the street to get some McDonald’s. With the two of them otherwise alone, it was the perfect time to talk.

Except Vinny found himself hesitating. “Well. Uh.”

Mike’s gaze sharpened. “If you wanna talk, talk, Vin.”

“It’s not that easy,” he deflected, turning the pick over in his fingers. “And I don’t know if you can really help, just… you’re the only person I can really talk to about it.”

“What-- are you guys okay? Like, not fighting, right?” Mike immediately sat up straight, but relaxed when Vinny shook his head.

“No, not at all, we’re actually really good.” Vinny gave him a reassuring look, though he felt it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“...But?”

“But.” He sighed roughly. “It’s Joel. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong, and it might be nothing, but there’s something he just. Won’t tell me, doesn’t want to tell me, can’t… can’t tell me?”

“About what? Or, like, what do you think it’s about?”

Vinny thought hard for a moment. “The times it came up, Joel had been talking about… himself. In the context of the relationship. I think it has to do with the fact that he’s never been with a guy before.”

“Gay panic?”

“Kind of? It doesn’t really feel like that, though.” He gently set his guitar on the stand next to him and looked up at the ceiling. “He isn’t uncomfortable with it, I mean. Sorry if this is TMI but he’s sucked my dick twice already.”

“Well fuckin’ congratulations,” Mike chuckled.

Vinny waved a dismissive hand at him. “Shut up, I’m just saying. He told me he’s never even liked a guy before me, but he’s already, y’know, doing that shit with me. It’s like a weird dichotomy where he’s fine with it but not fine with it.”

“Uh-huh…” Mike said, in a musing tone. His hand rubbed over the seemingly-permanent five-o’-clock shadow on his chin. “Okay, so, we can establish he’s super fuckin’ into you. That much is obvious.”

“Right.”

“But it’s when he’s talking about himself, you said? That’s when he gets weird?” Vinny nodded. Mike then steepled his fingers, contemplating. “Okay. ...Okay. What’s he said about it, if anything?”

“Uh… there was something.” His brows furrowed, trying to recall the exact wording. “After we… finished. He said, ‘I like it but I don’t know how I feel about liking it.’”

“Hm. Huh. All right.” A look of complete comprehension crossed Mike’s face then. He clapped his hands together and nodded. “Okay, I get it. Actually it makes perfect fuckin’ sense.”

“It does?” Vinny felt a bit blindsided by how sure of himself Mike was.

“Yeah, no, it’s completely understandable.”

When Mike didn’t elaborate, Vinny cleared his throat. “Well. Could you go on for a complete dumbass like me, because I sure as fuck don’t get it.”

“I’m thinking about how to… okay, so. Let’s say you like… I dunno.” Mike looked around the room, then rolled his eyes at himself as if he just realized the obvious. “So, let’s say you like classic rock.” Vinny nodded, uncertain. “No, wait.” Mike paused. “Let’s make this more appropriate, let’s say you like heavy metal. Nothing but metal. But then, like, you’re listening to the radio one day and fuckin’... I dunno, Britney Spears comes on, and suddenly you’re kinda movin’ to the beat but you have to stop and be like. What the fuck, this is Britney Spears, I can’t _like_ this.”

“Okay…” Where the hell was Mike going with this?

“And you can’t admit to anyone else that you even like that song -- but let’s be honest anyone who doesn’t think Toxic is a complete bop is a fuckin’ moron -- but least of all, you can’t admit to yourself you like it. You know full well you do, like there’s no denying it, but you can’t say it out loud. That’s what it is. You’re Britney fuckin’ Spears dude.”

“I’m Britney-- wait, Mike, are we still talking about the same thing?”

“Vinny I swear to fuckin’ God.” Mike pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s a metaphor, I’m just puttin’ it in terms I thought you’d understand. Mostly ‘cause I don’t know if I can explain it right otherwise.”

Seconds later, Vinny understood exactly what Mike meant and felt all kinds of stupid. He covered his face and groaned into his hands. “Shit, I’m an idiot, I’m sorry.”

“Hey, we’re both rock-in-brain sometimes, it’s all right.” Mike shrugged casually. “But if you’re looking to talk to him about it, I dunno. I think it’s something he has to figure out for himself.”

“But it’s not me, at least.” That was a relief, even if it made him feel bad on Joel’s behalf.

“Nah, nah, not that I can tell. Did he say anything else?”

“No. Well, wait, actually yeah.” It jogged his memory, quite suddenly. “When he uh… said he wanted to suck my dick again--” Mike laughed abruptly at that. “--I told him I’d be happy to like, do the same for him.”

“Have you ever even sucked a dick?”

“Mike.” Vinny gave him a look rivaling one of Mike’s own. “Is that even the point here?”

“No, I was just curious.”

“Okay. And for the record, no.” He felt heat rise to his face but staunchly ignored it. “When I said it, Joel got kinda. Not sure how to describe it, it’s like he… didn’t believe that I would. He seemed surprised.”

That gave Mike a moment of pause. “Surprised?”

“Yeah, like. He was into it. Um… we were. I could tell.” He wasn’t sure exactly how much of the nitty-gritty details Mike needed to know. “It’s that how he reacted seemed out of place, I guess.”

Mike tilted his head, taking this in. “Why would he be… you haven’t like, turned him away at all, so. ...Maybe the poor guy’s never gotten a blowjob before.”

“He’s had girlfriends before,” Vinny countered.

“Yeah but who’s to say they ever sucked his cock?”

Vinny didn’t have a comeback for that, but at the same time, doubted the possibility. “Still, what I mean is, it seemed like he was ready to talk me out of it. I can’t figure out why. I can’t think of any reason someone would turn down a blowjob, especially given how he feels about me.”

“Yeah, I… I can’t figure that one out either.” Mike went silent for a few moments, then shook his head. “Who knows, maybe when you talk to him this time, you’ll get an answer. But for now just… just tell him, whatever weirdness he’s feeling about how he feels about you, you’re with him the whole way, and he wants to vent about it, let him vent. Just, y’know, be there for him. The usual stuff.”

“Yeah, I, I definitely will. Thanks Mike.” Vinny smiled at him. “Seriously.”

“Ah, it’s nothin’. I love you guys, and more’n anything I wanna see this relationship work out.”

Vinny did full out blush at that, but in a warm, endeared way. Mike could be surprisingly sweet and sentimental at times, despite his brutal lack of filter. For how long they’d been friends, it occasionally caught him off guard, but served as a reminder of how lucky he was to be friends with him. “I want it to, too,” he said, unable to help the grin breaking out on his face.

“...You like him a lot too, don’tcha?” Mike said, half-teasing.

“I do. I really do.”

“Well good, you’re the happiest I’ve ever seen you when you talk about him.” Mike picked up his sticks again and pointed one at him. “If you break his heart I’m gonna disembowel you, just so you know. I may have been your friend first but fuck it, I’ll fight for Joel’s honor if push comes to shove.”

“I’m sure Joel would appreciate it.”

* * *

Vinny drummed the steering wheel, hardly focused on the road in front of him nor the ponderous lilt of Thom Yorke’s voice echoing from the speakers. He’d driven the route from the studio to his house enough times he could fully autopilot the trip. Beside him, Joel gazed out at the suburban scenery flowing past, munching on a few leftover fries from his earlier lunch.

His mind pored over everything Mike had said, every conversation he and Joel had had previously, looking for a hint as to where to start. Part of him figured it might be best to just ask point blank, but he had a sneaking suspicion that might make Joel retreat further. It was a fine balancing act, extending his support without coming across like he was prying. Or forcing his hand, for that matter.

...Actually, the smell of the fries was getting to him. “Pass me some of those,” he muttered, holding out a hand. A second later Joel dropped a handful of room temperature fries into it. Vinny popped them into his mouth, enjoying despite himself the terrible greasy texture. Nothing quite like leftover fries.

Before he knew it, he realized he was turning onto his street. Being home meant he needed to make a decision, and somehow it struck him as a much better idea to rip off the bandaid in one fell swoop. He pulled into the driveway and shifted the car into park, but left his hand on the gearshift.

“Hey,” he started, feeling his voice crack and inwardly wincing.

Joel had unbuckled and moved to get out of the car, but stopped.

This was way harder than he thought. Vinny swallowed against a dry mouth, his heart picking up in a way markedly different from how it had the past few days. “Listen. I just. Um. Wanted to let you know that… if there’s anything on your mind -- anything at all -- you can tell me.” When Joel didn’t say anything, he reached for the volume knob and cut the music. “I promise I’m not going to judge you for it no matter what it is.”

The silence stretched on for almost too long; he was ready to speak again, just to fill the air, but Joel finally responded. “What’s this about?”

It was a soft and hardly accusatory tone, but Vinny felt guilty regardless. Still, he pressed on. “The other day, you almost said something that’s. That I’ve been wondering about. I wanted to know if you’re okay. If you’re… y’know, happy.” If I’m doing anything wrong, he added in his head.

Joel inhaled, yet continued to stay uncharacteristically quiet.

“...Look,” he said, throwing caution to the wind. “We’re both a mess, I know it, what with the anxiety and the depression and the, the God knows what else between us, but I really, beyond anything in my life, want this to work out. And I feel like if we can start with just being honest with each other, maybe I can finally stop worrying every other hour that I’m going to fuck this up irreparably and… lose you, because of my own stupidity.”

“Vinny,” Joel started.

“I’m sorry,” he said immediately. “I make it sound like we’re having some kind of fight and we’re not. Compared to everything else in my life this has been the least turbulent and I guess I’m preemptively trying to keep it that way.” A rough sigh escaped him. “But I feel like… there’s something you don’t want to tell me, not because I think you’re hiding something but because maybe you think I’m gonna think less of you, and I promise I’m not.”

“It’s not--” Joel cut himself off. Out of the corner of his eye Vinny saw him curl his fingers against his thighs and steady his breathing. “...It’s stupid,” he continued at barely a whisper.

“It’s not stupid.”

“It is!” he said, considerably louder. “Okay, Jesus Vinny, it’s really fucking stupid and I didn’t want to bother you with it because it’s just me being a fucking idiot and I’ll get over it.” Joel turned his gaze to the window. “And it’s not anything you did, all right? It’s just me.”

“That’s-- that’s fine, I mean, I’m willing to listen.”

Joel went silent again. Vinny mentally punched himself, wondering if he should’ve kept it to himself and not dragged Joel into a discussion he clearly didn’t want to have. It’d only been a few days since they’d really been together, physically, even if they’d been dating a year. This could have waited until--

“It’s hard to say it,” Joel said at last. “As in, I don’t know how to word it right without it sounding real weird.” He was starting to fidget, fingertips drumming on his knee. “So I’ll just… I don’t know, try to explain it and probably backtrack all over myself.” He let his head hit the headrest as he tipped it back. “All this time, all these years, since I was seventeen and dumb and decided I liked you, I’ve been trying not to. And now I’m twenty-two and dumb and I’m actually dating you.”

Vinny kept quiet, even if the comment stung a little.

“And that’s the part that’s fucking me up. I’m dating you. I’m. I’m dating a guy. A guy I like.” He shook his head, almost to himself, like he couldn’t believe the words for their meaning. “I like a guy. What the fuck is that.” The fidgeting evolved into more of a tremble. “I tried to rationalize it, a while ago. I was drunk, or I was just imagining it, or, or we’re just good friends and it was nice to talk to someone who I felt wasn’t gonna ditch me when they got bored. Like I was confusing it for other things.”

He paused then, seeming to gather his thoughts, then turned his gaze down to his hands. “But I wasn’t. I’d have… thoughts. I’d think about… y’know… meeting you and not just hanging out with you but. All that other shit. And when I realized it was really serious, that I was actively liking you, I thought, shit, what if I _am_ gay? ...Turns out I’m not, the fuckin’, the thought of getting with any other guy makes me wanna puke.” He chuckled, a sudden break in the gravity of the discussion, but his face fell. “And that’s just the thing. When it’s you, I… I like doing this stuff. I like how it feels when.” He swallowed. “When we make out, and when you have your hands on me, and when I’m. Y’know, sucking your cock or whatever.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Vinny cut in, but Joel shook his head.

“I know, I know, like, in theory, there isn’t.” He glanced over for a fraction of a second before returning his gaze to his hands. “I’m not gay, I’m not bi, there’s no like, word for whatever the fuck this is. I guess ‘exception’, but I can’t help thinking what it means when I wanna suck your dick or have you… have you fuck me, like I’m the-- the-- the girl in this situation.” His hand went to his hair, raking through it to rest at the base of his skull.

Somehow this sounded a little familiar, like an abstract thing Vinny had heard from other thought-they-were-straight types, even if he hadn’t experienced it himself. His previous thought comparing how he and Joel figured themselves out seemed woefully inaccurate now. Joel had stopped for the moment; Vinny took that moment to think of how to best approach this. “Neither of us are girls,” he said, as diplomatically as he could for such an obvious statement. “I think I know what you’re saying, though. That, uh… the stuff you like is. I guess could be read as. What, submissive?” He supposed from a certain point of view that might have a feminine, or at least emasculating, connotation.

“Mm,” Joel hummed, Vinny taking it as agreement.

“I don’t see any of that as… lesser, or whatever. If you like it, you like it, that’s just how you do.” He reached to very tentatively rest a hand on Joel’s shoulder. “We’ve only gotten physical like twice, Joel, we have plenty of time to figure out what we’re into, and I’m not gonna be upset if there’s shit you just don’t want to do or don’t like. I just want you to enjoy yourself.” He squeezed lightly. “More important, we’re equals here, regardless of how we do shit in bed. And that’d be the same even if you were a girl.”

Joel looked a bit less comforted by that than he wanted, but he supposed it would come in time. Detangling weird gender-and-sexuality hangups wasn’t easy and certainly couldn’t hope to be overcome in the span of one awkward discussion. One that Vinny didn’t even feel he was qualified to have. “I hope you believe me,” Vinny said, with the tone of someone who perfectly understood that anxiety liked to lie. “I mean it.”

“I guess,” Joel replied, returning his gaze out the window. “...I want to believe it, but…”

“But what?”

He sighed shakily. “I’m having a hard time believing any of this. That you’d actually want to date me, of all people.”

“What do you mean of all people?”

Joel turned an unusual gaze on him, a flat expression of incredulity. “Vinny. Sorry but have you looked at me? I mean, Jesus, you’re ridiculously good-looking, you could probably date literally anyone, and I’m.” He gestured forcefully at himself. “I’m ugly.”

“You’re not ugly--”

“Yes, I am,” Joel interrupted firmly. “I’m fat, I’m kinda gross, hell this fuckin’ shirt is falling apart, I’m this close to shaving my head because I don’t like washing my hair. I’m disgusting. I don’t know why anyone would be into me.”

“Joel--”

“Don’t, okay?” He held up his hand, and now Vinny realized the tremble had turned into a barely-contained shake. “I know what you’re gonna say, you’re gonna try to argue it and compliment me and trust me, okay, I want you to, but I don’t want to hear it. Which is stupid and fucked up but that’s how it is.”

“I-- I don’t understand.” He well and truly didn’t, brows knitting in confusion. “You’d. Prefer I didn’t?”

Joel let out a harsh, aggravated breath. “That’s just it, you’d think I’d be happy to hear my own fuckin’ boyfriend tell me he thinks I’m attractive, especially since I’ve liked you for so goddamn long, but I…” He trailed off, shoulders sinking. “I’m not.” His voice broke on the final syllable, and Vinny realized he was on the verge of tears.

“Joel,” he said, at a complete loss, wanting nothing but to comfort him.

“I’m sorry,” Joel choked, valiantly holding back from crying openly. Frustration colored his expression, doing little to hide what was plainly a lot of internalized resentment. It dawned on Vinny that this entire situation really had nothing to do with him at all, and everything to do with the depths of Joel’s self-image issues. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I never thought that you’d… be interested in me, I should be grateful you are, but the thought of you telling me I’m attractive makes me feel sick.”

Vinny had never experienced anything he’d truly call heartbreak before now, but this certainly called for it. His chest felt tight, sympathetic tears stinging in his eyes. He couldn’t imagine saying any of this was easy. “Joel,” he repeated, softer and soothing. All he could think to say was a weak, meaningless ‘it’s okay’ when it very obviously wasn’t, not from Joel’s perspective.

Fuck it. He leaned over the center console and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. Unlike when they’d hugged upon meeting, or any of the times they’d cuddled before, this felt distinctly intimate. Joel shuddered against him, fingers curling in the material of his shirt, breathing uneven. Vinny swallowed, willing himself not to cry too, and rubbed his back.

“...I don’t really know what to say,” he admitted, “but I can at least tell you how I feel. If that helps.” Joel made a sound into his shoulder, which Vinny interpreted as a cue to continue. “I’ve never really been that concerned about what you look like. It wasn’t even close to the first thing on my mind when I told you I’d like us to be together. You remember that, right? ‘You’re funny, you have a good sense of humor, you make me laugh,’ that whole bit?”

“Yeah…”

Vinny gathered the courage to say what was likely the most personal and direct thing he’d ever said to Joel. “No one’s ever… made me feel the way you do, in that regard. I’ve never connected with someone who could make me laugh so hard I can’t breathe, who goes along with my bizarre tangents and understands the way my mind works. You. You make me honest-to-god happy, Joel, that’s all that really matters to me, all right?” It felt so weird to say those sorts of things, made him feel raw and exposed, but it was necessary to voice them out loud.

Joel laughed wetly. “You really think that?”

“Of course I do, Joel, I’m serious. I’m the happiest I think I’ve ever been in my life right now.” Despite the circumstances being less than ideal, it was true. “If you don’t want me to talk about the way you look, then I won’t, but I won’t hold back when it comes to the way you make me feel.”

The slightest release of tension in Joel’s body indicated he may have conceded that. “I’m not saying I’m completely unhappy,” Joel said, thick with congestion. “You uh. You make me feel the same way, I just can’t say it all nice like you do. Probably not even in Swedish either.”

Vinny couldn’t help chuckling at the idea. “I wouldn’t have a clue what you’d be saying anyway.” He rested his chin on Joel’s shoulder. “I’m glad that I make you happy, though. Just knowing that is enough.”

“I’ll get past it someday.” Joel sniffed, moving his arm behind Vinny’s back to presumably swipe at his nose. “I know you’ve said like five times already we wouldn’t be together if you weren’t interested, and we’ve already practically fucked. Should be proof enough, right?”

“When you put it that way, yeah.” Vinny loosened his hold to sit back slightly and kept one arm around him. Joel pulled back too, his head down, eyes red and face flushed, but looked in substantially better spirits. When he finally did look up, he managed a small, genuine smile.

He really was cute, Vinny thought, whether Joel agreed with the sentiment or not. His free hand went to Joel’s face, lighty cupping his cheek. “I won’t say anything about the way you look if that makes you uncomfortable,” he said, “but I don’t want to give the impression I’m not attracted to you.” He hoped that was a fair compromise, given what he said before.

“I think I’m okay with that.” Joel sniffed again and rubbed at one of his eyes. He hadn’t exactly cried, but Vinny could see the clear evidence of what few tears had escaped on his face.

“You can always tell me if it’s not okay,” Vinny added, reaffirming the point he’d made several times. Joel nodded, and this time Vinny felt reasonably confident that he’d do it, now that everything was out on the table. Pleased, he couldn’t help leaning forward and gently kissing his cheek, quite a bit more affectionate than he’d taken himself to be.

“Stop it, I’m all snotty,” Joel protested, with absolutely no real opposition to it.

“I don’t give a shit,” Vinny replied, actually kissing him this time.

To his satisfaction, Joel did kiss him back, but parted after just a few seconds. “Can we like, do this inside? I don’t know if I want your dad catching us like this.”

It was a valid reason, and Vinny felt the same way -- not a conversation he wanted to have with his dad anytime soon. “Of course. Just, before we call this over…” He sat back, but kept his focus on Joel. “I’m sorry for forcing all this out of you, I really didn’t intend to dredge up anything like that.”

Joel shrugged. “It’d probably have come up sooner or later. Now that I’ve said it, I, uh.” He laughed lightly. “I feel better, somehow.”

That was a relief. “Good. I was afraid you’d get upset with me for it.” Vinny laughed too, but with an obvious sheepish edge.

“I mean, if I’m being honest, maybe a little.” He said it lightly enough Vinny knew he wasn’t seriously bothered. “But when I think about it… that you even want to talk it out? That you’d listen to me say all this shit and not think, ‘god damn, Joel, you’re too fucked up for me’? I can’t be mad at you for that.” He smiled again, that little authentic, subdued one Vinny loved seeing.

“I can’t say I’m good at talking but I want to at least try. That’s how like, mature couples stay together, right?”

“Fuck if I know.” Joel seemed to find the idea of them as a ‘mature couple’ as amusing as Vinny did, the two sharing a mock-derisive snort. “But no, um… no one’s really given me the effort of listening, and I always felt like if they did, they’d just give up. So… I guess I’m trying to say thank you, but in the worst fuckin’ way possible.”

It wouldn’t be Joel without that real roundabout way of speaking. “Hey, the sentiment’s appreciated.” He finally got out of the car, Joel following suit. “If you ever want to talk about anything, I’m down. No matter what it is.”

Joel nodded, quietly coming around the other side of the car to resolutely wind his arms around Vinny's middle. It was a lot more comfortable a hug without the car's innards in the way, but lasted all of about five seconds before Joel slid away to the front door. Vinny shook his head, warmed by the action, and followed him to the brick steps. 

It something he’d seen plenty of times before over the years, coming back from various outings, but this time an unusual sensation stirred in his chest at the sight of Joel’s retreating back. It grew into a pronounced glow of emotion that stopped him in the middle of the walkway up to the door, as Joel fiddled with his copy of the keys. Nothing was different here, not really, not in the literal actions but…

Oh.

_Oh._

The realization hit hard, harder than it had any right to. After that entire conversation, between the fear of loss and the utter relief that things weren’t going to absolute shit after all, it was stunningly obvious to him just how much he cared about Joel. And the depths of that care, that affection, somehow up until now completely escaped his notice. Rather than feel stupid, a sense of astonishment washed over him, wondering exactly when this happened, and how on earth he hadn’t picked up on it sooner.

It struck him as much less bizarre than he would have thought, more of a natural progression of things. When Joel looked at him, apparently wondering why he’d suddenly stopped in the middle of the path, he felt more sure of it than ever.

This was.

This was love, wasn’t it?

...Well shit.


End file.
